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I still remember the ad on Craigslist.  We were living in San Diego, and looking for a rental.  As is our way, we were getting antsy in the place we were in, and were ready to move on.

“Surrounded by multi-million dollar homes” was the title of the post.  At first glance, one would think, oh wow, this must be nice!  But upon further investigation of this clever catch phrase, I realized that being surrounded by multi-million dollar homes doesn’t make a house nice, anymore than being surrounded by delicious ripe tomatoes makes a rotten one any sweeter.

Out of curiosity I clicked on the pic.  Low and behold, in the photo I saw a teensy weensy trailer, which was nothing more than a glorified pop-up camper.  No shower, not even a toilet!  Talk about misleading advertising!

I was reminded of this ad the other day, when I thought“I wonder what people assume when we say we live in Corona Del Mar”.  The fact of the matter is, we are surrounded by multi-million dollar homes!  Ha Ha!  Seriously!  Our landlord actually calls our neighbor’s home “Montezuma” because it is so huge!  It actually keeps our bedroom nice and cool in the afternoons on account of the shade it creates.  We don’t by any means live in the pop-up camper I just mentioned, but it is a humble little home, surrounded by gargantuan monstrosities.  Mind you, we have gladly sacrificed space for the view.  We prefer to be closer to the coast so that if the mood strikes, a stroll on the sand is within reach.  But it doesn’t come without compromise.

Storage is a huge commodity when you choose a smaller place.  Every nook and cranny must be utilized.  Our girls share a room.  They always have.  We’re also the proud owners of an unlikely indoor dog, Madden, a 40 pound boxer who is still a puppy (ie. she won’t weigh 40 pounds for long).  Then comes the kitchen, well, in short, there is no dishwasher, and no real possibility of installing one.  And all the mommies gasp!  I know!  I was aghast at first as well.  Then I thought about how selfish I was being letting the lack of a dishwasher be a deal breaker for me.  I know plenty of people without dishwashers, and there are people who live in Africa who don’t even have the luxury of hot water!  Trust me, I know after taking cold showers on a visit there myself!

It’s easy for us to forgo a larger home in exchange for a smaller home with evening walks on the beach.  But then, I got to thinking about what we want in life, in relationships and in ourselves…….and how we rarely get exactly what we want.  Often, we need to give up something to get something.  Life take turns we weren’t expecting, relationships can have disappointments we hadn’t anticipated, and being our own worst critic, even our expectations of ourselves can be sorely overestimated.  So, what is there to do then?  Do we give up?

You know the old saying “If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade”.  I’m not a huge fan of lemonade, so I have decided to take a more elementary principle that we used when I worked as a preschool music teacher “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit”.  This doesn’t always work for me, but I try.  Sometimes I can throw some pretty unsightly fits.  Obviously I’m not throwing myself of the floor like a two year old.  I take a more grown up approach, such as the silent treatment, or adult pouting.  In the end I know that God has plans for me, and I would be lying if I said I don’t get disappointed when they don’t fall into what I think suits me best.

Just like our little 620 square foot house at the beach, where a few sacrifices have to be made, the same should go for my life.  What sacrifice will I make when my relationships aren’t matching up to my expectations?  What changes am I going to make in MYSELF when my life isn’t going the way I wanted it to?

The older I get, the more I am realizing how prideful I am, in the sense that I don’t want to be the one to change or to sacrifice.  It’s like I have some sort of sacrifice-o-meter that dictates how much I am willing to give, and when my limit has been reached, I won’t be shelling out anymore favors.  Wow, that sounds pretty ugly when I say it out loud.  Please tell me I am not alone on this, it’ll make me feel so much better.

Have you found yourself in this same position?  I suppose not matter how generous and giveing we are, sometimes we all get a little fed up.  The load gets a little too heavy, that same person is asking you to give a little more again……and you feel like the life is just being sucked out of you.  Whittle it down, and guess what?  Through hurdles such as these, we’re really being forced into humility.

As is always the case, this reminds me of a song:

-Make me a servant, humble and meek,  Lord let me lift up those who are weak.  And may the prayer of my heart always be, make me a servant…….today-

Remember that old song?  It’s my prayer today.  And I know that where the Lord gives us the desire to change, He gives us the ability to make them.  God always makes a way…..

I’m home.  On the couch.  It’s about 10:30 in the morning, and I’m still in my pajamas.  I haven’t brushed my teeth, eaten breakfast, and I don’t think I’ve even looked in the mirror to see the toll that a night’s sleep has taken on my hair.

Here I am again, trying to force myself to rest, and not talk, after catching a cold that has stolen my voice from me.  I’m busy texting my husband, who is sitting on the couch next to me, in order to save my voice.  When I get tired of texting, I’m invoking some pretty funny moments as I try to use the sign language I do know to communicate.  It’s pretty humorous here at the Quintana homestead.  Turns out Jessie is a pretty good lip reader.  Or maybe he’s reading my mind. Hmmm…..we’ll call that selective mind reading.

If I’m counting correctly, I’m pretty sure that this is the 4th or 5th time I have lost my voice in a year.  And, quite honestly I don’t understand why.  Well, that’s not entirely true. For about the last 3 years I have been so blessed to lead worship almost every Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday.  Sprinkle in there a few women’s events, retreats, baptisms, missions gatherings, school of worship classes, and you’ve got a recipe for vocal cord overload!  Then throw a cold in top of that and WHAM!  Your voice is done!

When this has happened in the past I’ve thought, “what if my voice never came back?”.  It’s a valid fear.  Even with proper singing technique, just the overuse could cause me to develop nodules, (basically callouses on the vocal cords) which could end up leading to permanent damage to my voice.  It’s a scary thought.

When I can’t sing I feel a bit empty.  Think of your favorite thing to do.  Maybe you’re a runner.  What if you broke your foot, and were prevented from running throughout the healing process?  You’d feel a bit cooped up right?  Worse yet, what if you permanently damaged it, forever?  Or a photographer.  What if you lost feeling in your hands and couldn’t catch all those beautiful moments anymore?

Well, here I am wondering what my voice will sound like once the coughing has subsided.  Will I still have the same range, will I still be able to sing in the keys I love, and the songs that i love?  Maybe this is the worst case scenario, but…….What if I never sing again?

Well, so what if I never sang again?  What?  What am I saying?  How can I sing with no voice, how can I leather congregation with no voice?  How can I worship with no voi…………Oh.  Wait a minute……

I CAN worship without a voice.  People worship God without voices, without sight, with deaf ears, and missing limbs.  What makes me think my voice is so special?

My initial answer would be that it’s my gift.  It’s what God gave me to be able to worship Him.  But is it what i need to posses to be able to worship Him?  Would my world end if I lost my voice forever?  Well, sort of.  My world as I know it would be finished.  But in reality the planets would continue to circle the sun, the waves wouldn’t cease crashing on the shore, and the worship team would still be able to lead the congregation in worship without me.

I’ve heard that when people lose their sight, their ability to hear is heightened.  Maybe that happens to all of us.  Maybe when we lose something important to us, it increases our ability to hear from God.  It brings us to a point where we drop all of our preconceived ideas of what we thought our life would be, and cry out to God “OK God, I’m listening.  Why did you take this away?  What am I supposed to do now?  I thought I knew where my life was headed and now I’m just lost”.

Have you ever been there?  Maybe you’re not a singer, but have you lost a friendship?  A marriage?  A child?  A job?  A talent?  Then you know the feeling.  Maybe you’re at a place where you are wondering the same thing.  ”what do I do now God?  I don’t get.”

I don’t have the answers but I do know that God has said in His word that He has good for us.  Losing my voice is NO BUENO but I do know that it is forcing me to seek Jesus.  To worship Him in other ways that maybe I’ve neglected. It’s causing me to be more open to what my future might look like, even one without singing.  Maybe it’s not a future filled with making music, but so what if it’s not?  That just means that God has more for me.  And whatever He does have is going to be better.

God never takes us from one good thing and throws us into a junk heap!  His word says He takes us from glory to glory.  I can’t see what’s ahead.  I don’t know if I will get my full voice back, but I can say that I can sing without a voice.  I can sing His praises from my heart, in my writing, in my relationships with my husband, my children, and my friends.  I can sing from the depths of me that I will follow Him no matter what comes, or goes.  Perhaps all these ponderings of a  life without a voice is a bit extreme, but it’s like the boy scouts always say ‘always be prepared’.

“when dark trials come, and my heart is filled, with the weight of doubt, I will praise Him still…….He ave us life in His perfect will, and by His good grace, I will praise Him still.”. -Fernando Ortega