That's my jam!

My last post was about my recent battle with depression.  I can't tell you how many people responded saying that they could relate, asking for prayer, and saying they were praying for me too!  I just knew that speaking out about something as real as my own depression would cause people to come out from the shadows and be real about their own struggles!  It was amazing how almost immediately upon posting that blog, it felt as if the fog began to lift.  You know what I mean?  I've heard it said that when a secret is no longer a secret it loses its power over you.  Well, that proved true after being transparent with you all!

 

It was like coming back to the land of the living, or joining the party that was already going on.  I was kind of like this little girl who was in a dead sleep, but then they played her jam!  (which coincidentally is also indeed my jam)   She didn't even know she was missing such a great dance party, until her favorite song came on.  Once she heard it loud and clear, she danced with those sweet slippers like no one was watching.  (my favorite way to dance).

 

So, I guess with this blog, I want to challenge you a little bit.  Transparency isn't something that comes easy, but it gives freedom.  Freedom from trying to live up to who people think you are.  Freedom from who you wish you were.  Freedom to be who you are in the moment knowing that your life is held safe and secure in the palm of the Creator's hands.  Hiding in the shadows never got anybody anywhere.  You know who hides in the shadows?  Those who don't want to be found, and also cat burglars, they hide in shadows too.  Since I am assuming that most of you are not dressed in all black with a black ski mask waiting to burglarize a Circle K, then I'll go with the first thought.  Do you not want to be found...or found out?  Can I be real with you for a second.  God knows, cherishes and desires the real you.  He desires for you to be found.  He knows that when we isolate and lurk in the shadows of depression, fear, anxiety and the like, we will get further and further from the light that He offers to shine into that darkness.

 

God knows, loves, cherishes and desires the real you

Don't misunderstand me.  I'm not challenging you to start a blog, post it on your Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.  I am challenging you to open up to ONE person.  Choose one person who is close enough to know your heart, and love you enough to listen without judgement.  Maybe you think you don't have one person that you can really be open with.  Chances are, you probably have more than one person, who would love to listen, if you gave them the chance.  Sometimes we assume people will judge us before we even give them a chance, and trust them to be a great friend.  BUT, if you really don't have one safe person in your circle of friends, I am absolutely here.  Click here to get in touch with me directly, I would absolutely love to hear from you.  I mean it!  I want you to experience the freedom I felt when I took off my giant backpack called "Depression".  Yours may have a different name, maybe it's fear, anxiety, sin, your past experiences, or maybe it's that awful ex-boyfriend's name.  No matter what it's called, it's heavy isn't it?  I would love to help you unload that heaviness just by simply being a safe, listening ear.  

 

Until then, turn up your jam and get your dance on!

Shhh...don't tell anyone.

 

I’ve been hiding something…  

I haven’t told anyone…  

Why?

Well, because sometimes as a Christian, it is frowned upon.  

It’s depression, and it is debilitating.

 

 

God is good, all the time.

I totally understand, I was depressed WAY worse before.

God will use this for good.

Maybe you’re starting to go through “the change”.

You should pray more, read more, fast more.

 

 

All things I have been told while walking through this time.  And all things that I believe from the bottom of my heart (except for the part about me being close to menopause, I refuse to accept that).

 

People mean well, they’re just trying to help.  But when you are drowning, you just need help, you need someone to pull you out.  You don’t want them to stand over you looking down and saying “Well, gee whiz!  How the heck did you get down there?  You probably should’ve planned better.”  It takes a whole lot of courage to open up to someone and tell them how you are really doing, and how you are hurting.  After being so transparent and vulnerable, you need someone who will (honestly) shut their mouth, reach out their hand and help you.  You can discuss ways to avoid drowning in the future, but for the time being rescue is necessary.

 

 

“But, you’re a worship leader!  How can you be going through depression?  I saw you on Sunday morning and you looked just fine!”  I know, right, I’m so convincing!  HA!  The outward appearance rarely gives us a true glimpse into people’s lives and hearts.  Generally we have no idea what is going on deep down.  It’s not because we don’t care, it’s not because they don’t matter.  It’s because we guard ourselves so completely and aggressively because we don’t want to dump on people, and we really don’t feel like dredging up all our emotions and crying off all the makeup we worked so hard to put on.

 

As a worship leader, I get the opportunity to stand before God and His people and lead them in worship.  I don't take that lightly.  I understand the great responsibility and privilege it is, and I never feel more complete than when I am in a room full of people pouring their hearts out to God through music.  However, I will be brutally honest with you and say that there have been times where I have been standing on stage with my guitar in my hands, the mic at my lips and my heart in my throat.  In those moments, I want nothing more than to run off stage and as far away as possible letting the tears flow freely.  But, by God’s great grace He gives us strength to stand and walk BOLDLY forward in what He has called us to.

 

there have been times where I have been standing on stage with my guitar in my hands, the mic at my lips and my heart in my throat.

 

The other day I googled “John Piper depression” and found one of the clearest descriptions of what it’s like to be a Christian struggling with depression.  He is one of my favorite pastors.  It’s the kind of teaching that you have to rewind again and again because your mind is blown by what you’ve just heard!  I find my self shouting  “YES!  YES!  That’s exactly it!”  Anyway, I found a 6 minute video where it seemed that he was reading my mind!  He was asked the question “How can someone worship God joyfully in the corporate service if he or she is struggling with depression?”  It absolutely expressed exactly where my heart was and gave me another ounce of hope to throw on the small pile I have been collecting while I walk through this valley of depression.  

 

 

He said:

“There will be, if they are born again, a seed of contentment in Christ. The form it may take may be…’Right now I feel nothing, I am totally numb emotionally. But, I have a memory that there was once a sweetness of affection, a sweetness of trust, and I, by faith believe it is still down there, because theologically the Bible says He’ll be faithful to me. And that I now, in this room, while everybody is singing and I don’t have any feelings to sing at all, am saying to Him, please restore to me the joy of my salvation.’

That sentence, coming out of your mouth with the raw faith that it’s down there is worship.”

 

 

I mean….right?!  It gives me chills every time.  I KNOW God is good, I KNOW He will use this for good, I know that after every valley there is a mountain top.  But before every mountain top, there is an uphill hike.  Maybe I’m not in the valley anymore, maybe just maybe I’m on the uphill climb!  And no, I’m not faking smiles when I am worshipping God.  You can’t fake joy, and sometimes in the midst of darkness, the only joy is (and should be) in Jesus, and the hope that is offered.  When I stand before you and lead you in worship, I am standing completely transparent before my God and saying “You’re all I’ve got God.”  And in that moment, He meets me.  It doesn’t always make the depression leave, but I have that glimpse, that moment of peace, that seed of contentment and that hiding place.

 

 

Why do I struggle with depression?

Simply put, because the enemy prowls around like a lion wanting to destroy me.  Why?  Because I believe in Jesus.  Because I have memories of times when He delivered me and the sun shined brighter, the birds sang louder, and I smiled more.  And, thankfully, those kinds of memories have a habit of repeating themselves, and I look forward to that with great anticipation.  

 

 

 

 


P.S. Just so I'm clear...I don’t write this for sympathy, so please don’t feel that you need to treat me like a fragile flower, or treat me like I am dying.  I write this believing full well that I am not alone in this struggle.  That being said, I hope this encourages you to be bold, to take heart and grab on to hope.  Worship Him whether you’re in the valley or the uphill climb.  I love you and I am praying for you my friends.



Perseverance

About 6 months ago, my daughter begged me to take her to a place called Therapeutic Riding Center.  She had gone on a trail ride at a local equestrian center, and picked up a brochure for TRC.  I had no idea what it entailed, and honestly I wasn't all that interested in adding another thing to our calendar.  As I researched it online I thought it would be a great opportunity for her.  TRC is simply put horse therapy for people with special needs.  Special needs can encompass anything from ADHD to Cerebral Palsy.  I decided to go through the volunteer training myself, and have been blown away by these students.  They have taught me a huge lesson in perseverance.

 

The student pictured is one of my absolute favorites!  She has to be carried from the car to the arena by her mom.  She doesn't have any speech, cannot walk, and cannot feed herself.  Some would look at her and wonder "How is she going to ride a horse?"  That's where we come in.  As volunteers, we have the privilege of walking beside the horse holding up the students if they need our help.  I have been absolutely amazed to see students with severe disabilities be able to sit up straight on the horse, use the reins to steer the horse, and develop some language when giving the horse commands.  These students and their parents are true pictures of perseverance.  Multiple times, I have been side-walking with a student while tears run down my cheeks.  I am so humbled to see them overcome such difficulty, and am so convicted when I realize all the silly little things I complain about.  These students encourage me to keep pushing even when times are hard, and I don't see any way things could work out.  And also, that it's ok to need some help, to need someone to help hold you up when you feel too weak to stand alone.

What are you facing today?  What is standing in your way?  What seems impossible to you?  Be encouraged that if you press on, you will get there.  You weren't meant to walk this world alone.  The difficulties you face weren't meant to be faced in isolation.  I admit that I try to fight most of my battles solo, and just end up defeated and alone.  How about if you and I decide today that we will accept help when it's offered, and not cop out and quit before we reach the end. 

perseverance: steadfastness. despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.



Rut

It’s January 8th.  Already 8 days into 2015.  I had the best of intentions to write a blog on January 1st to start the year off.  One of my hopes with this blog is that I can be a source of encouragement for anyone who thinks what I write is worth reading.  So everyday into the new year I tried thinking of something inspiring.  But, I was stuck in a rut.

 


rut1
rət/
noun
noun: rut; plural noun: ruts
1 1. 
a long deep track made by the repeated passage of the wheels of vehicles.
2 synonyms:
3 furrow, groove, trough, ditch, hollow, pothole, crater “the car bumped across the ruts”

rut1


 

My number one desire for this blog is to be real with y’all.  I think the world is chock full of people who give the appearance of perfection and always having it together.  Me, not so much.  Maybe you can relate with where I was.  This definition of a rut is perfect for where I was.  I’m a real visual person, so in my mind I could see myself alone in a desert, surrounded by nothing.  I envisioned myself dusty, tired and worn walking around in the same circle again and again.  I looked aimlessly down as my feet shuffled just enough to disturb the dry, brown sand until I had a well worn path.  A path that led me absolutely nowhere. 

But, what if I’m not really alone in the desert?  What if I’m actually surrounded by lots of other people who are working hard on their own circles, head down, aimlessly taking the same steps again and again, wondering why they aren’t in a better place.

Can you relate?  Maybe your New Year’s Eve was a bit underwhelming and you are wishing that you were in a different place in life.  The fact is we all make New Year’s resolutions whether we admit it out loud or not.  And I think that all of us have a certain level of fear that we will flat out fail, and walk back out to our circles again, picking up where we left off.  

 

When you want change, but don’t want to change, that’s a recipe for no change whatsoever.

 

Here’s the deal: When you want change, but don’t want to change, that’s a recipe for no change whatsoever.  Go ahead and read it again, cause I think I broke some writing rules by using the same word 3 times in the same sentence.  Unforgivable I know.  In all seriousness though, simmer on that thought for a minute.  We can make a choice to continue making neat circle paths that lead nowhere, or we can choose to step out into uncharted territory and see what we have been missing out on.  

When my oldest daughter told me the other day that she wished she could be a scientist, I told her you don’t have to wish it, you have to do it.  So, now I challenge you (and myself) to stop wishing that you weren’t in the same rut.  You just need to get out of it.  No one else can do it for you.  This is where you have to be brave and step out.  Dust yourself off and get started.  I won’t tell anyone that you started a little late, if you won’t tell anyone I did.  Deal?

Sometimes, Jesus makes me cry

                                                    In the process, in the waiting,

                                              You’re making melodies over me.  

                                            And Your presence is the promise,

                                                for I am a pilgrim on a journey*                                                     

Though the volume on my radio was quiet, the lyrics rang out as a loud reminder, and I felt the lump in my throat as tears began flowing from my eyes.

“Why are you crying Mom?” said a sweet voice from the back seat.

“Sometimes Jesus makes me cry, sweet girl.” I replied as my voice cracked.  I was instantly reminded of the journeys God had taken me on.  The valleys, the peaks, the deserts, and the oceans.  I remembered the fact that He rejoices over me with singing (Zepheniah 3:17).  His promise is His presence, and that is a promise that has been fulfilled again and again.

As I allowed the tears to trickle down my cheeks, I was thankful for the recollection of His faithfulness, His love, and His mercy.  I needed to remember that the process, is not some sort of holding room where we are stagnantly waiting for Jesus to do something big.  Rather, it is in these times of waiting that God refines, matures, and makes us ready for the big finish after the waiting.  

It had been awhile since the awe of Jesus and His love had made me cry.  I thought of the way He tenderly holds my heart, thinks of me more times than I could count, and delicately molds, shapes, and smooths out my rough edges.  I felt so loved.  My heart was overcome with thankfulness, and I was relieved to have been brought to tears, it just felt right.  

There is something special about a love that makes you cry because of how great it is, a love that makes you cry happy tears.  The fact that it is so undeserved is what makes it so precious.  Oh, that I would be brought to tears more often, that I would be blown away regularly by His infinite, all consuming love.  I want my heart to always remember while I’m on the journey that His love has not changed and it never will.

 

                                                                           "Sheperd" by Bethel Music

Just Show Up

     Perspiration rolls down my face while I run as fast as I can, watching the sun just barely rising in the distance.  “C’mon Shannon!”  I hear as I make my way back to the cavernous warehouse filled with gymnast rings, weight bars, truck tires, and the not so faint smell of sweaty people.  It is 6 am and I am doing Crossfit.  

image

     I’ve been here now for 2 months.  Still the beginner of the group, I am amazed at the strength, flexibility and mobility that I have been able to build.  I certainly can’t lift what most of my class mates can, but compared to where I started, I have come a long way.  Now, I could tell you that I just can’t wait until my morning workout comes. That I make sure to get a good night’s rest the night before, so I will be at my best.  I could lie and say that I bounce out of bed excited to beat my body into submission…but the truth is, most of the time I drag myself out of bed, get dressed with only one eye open, and work hard to talk myself out of going back to bed.  I am definitely not a morning person, and honestly the only reason I go most of the time is because I don’t want to be seen as a wuss.  Truth is, most mornings, I just barely show up.  

     Showing up.  Isn’t that the hardest part?  Have you ever regretted doing something that would be a benefit to you if you just sucked it up and went for it?  For example, have you ever regretted reading your Bible, worshipping God, praying, or going to church?  I certainly haven’t ever regretted any of those, yet often times I don’t want to do any of them.  There are a million things that can come between us and our time with the Lord.  Maybe your kids are sick at home (you can still pray, every moment of every day), you don’t go to church because you don’t have any friends there (umm…you kind of have to be there to make friends), you have a hard time understanding the Bible (there’s an app for that).  The point is, aside from all of our excuses and reasons why we can’t seem to do what God has asked us to do, we really, truly, need to just…show…up!   Start praying, start reading, start worshipping, get your backside to church!  You can’t expect to have a really great walk with God if you don’t do any of these things, because it doesn’t really work that way.

     When you decide to show up, God will meet you right where you are.  He will honor the time you have given Him.  You will receive benefits you didn’t even expect, all because you just showed up.  

 

Labels and Lies

I grabbed my prayer journal and plopped down on the rocking chair outside.  The sun was soft and the breeze was cool, but I didn’t notice, I was too busy griping and complaining.  It was a bad morning, plain and simple.  A Murphy’s Law morning.  Anything and everything had gone wrong.  Tears flowed like Niagara Falls from my eyes as I scribbled across my journal.  My words resembled the penmanship of a 4 year old as I wrote down all the raw, unbridled feelings and thoughts.  As I neared the end of my rant, I felt it necessary to put a name to how I really was feeling.  I scrawled the words all out on my page…    

      forgotten                        broken 

                     ashamed                      helpless                abandoned 

         alone                      empty                              incapable

                                                   sinful                  afraid 

             angry    

image

And then I stopped.  The faucet of my tears ran out, and I just stared out at the bright green grass in my backyard and took a deep breath.  It was as if God gently said “Are you done now?”  Sitting there silently for a few minutes, I glanced down at the words on the page and began to see them for what they really were…lies.  The lies that the enemy excitedly places on me from time to time, and celebrates when I believe them. It was overwhelming realizing that I was placing these labels on myself and letting them be my identity.  

I rocked back and forth as I felt the gentle breeze blow my hair back from my tear stained face.  My Rescuer had arrived to pull me out from the pit of lies I had quite successfully dug and then jumped into.  He flooded my thoughts with the truth He speaks over me.  For every false identity I had taken upon myself, Jesus reminded me what He says about me, and gave me a Word of His own to back it up.  I grabbed onto his rope of rescue as I then wrote down all the words He speaks over me.  Turning the page in my journal, I took a deep breath and wrote (in my own 30- something handwriting)  this prayer:

"I plead with You to help me see myself the way You see me.  I hate that I believe the enemy and what he tells me I am.  You tell me that You love me, You tell me you make me pure.  You tell me that You sing over me and think about me all the time.  You say You don’t leave me, that You don’t forsake me.  I am blind to the way you see, and deaf to the words You speak to me.  Jesus, I want to hear, I want to see, I want to believe.  Please help me."

My friend, would you believe the truth that God speaks over you?  Would you see my fall into this pit of despair, and subsequent rescue and let it speak to you?  He hears your thoughts, He knows what you are believing about yourself and He feels your hurt deeper than you will ever know.  His heart breaks when yours does.  Will you pour out your thoughts to Him today?  It doesn’t matter if you are scribbling illegibly on a notepad, or screaming it at the top of your lungs…speak it out so that He can meet you where you are and give you healing.  Let Him speak over you today.  Let Him open your blind eyes and your deaf ears.  Allow Him to sing over you, to remind you how He really sees you.  

Ain't No Shame

There is nothing wrong with not being OK from time to time.  Guess what? We’re all far from OK sometimes.  Despite our smiles and happy verbal exchanges there may be silent, hidden tears.
Where do you go when you’re not OK?  Of course, as a Christian I know I can go straight to God and ask for strength, healing or whatever else may be lacking in my heart.  Sometimes though…we need someone…a person who is standing in front of you, holding out their hand, hugging you tight and telling you that your hurt makes them hurt, and that they have hope even when you don’t.
A true friend is a priceless gift.  One that takes time, investment, transparency and honesty.  The trick though, is finding the right person.   As Christians, we want to be sure we are receiving Godly counsel and wisdom.  You can’t just go spilling your guts with anyone, because you may get bad advice, or some may call you downright crazy.   Ah, but a true friend…one who knows you and loves you, will see your craziness and remind you that you’re sane.  True friends are irreplaceable.  
So, my only point in writing today is to say…ain’t no shame in needing a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on, we all need it sometimes.  Just choose the hand, or the shoulder wisely.

Window Seat

It was a long flight to California from Vietnam last week. Our first flight was 6 hours from Saigon to Seoul, Korea. We were flying through dense clouds as we traveled over Taiwan. Have you ever flown through the inside of clouds? You know when you can’t actually see the clouds, you’re just inside of them and the white is so blinding that you have to shut your window shade? Well it had been that way most of the flight thanks to the recent typhoon that had blown through there a few days earlier. I kept lifting my shade about an inch waiting for the clouds to clear enough, so I could peer out the window without temporarily being blinded, and disturbing all the other passengers who were happy to watch their movie in darkness. When I have a window seat, I am literally like a kid who….well a kid who has a window seat! I never lose the awe of flying over the earth and gazing at it from above. Finally my moment came.

Once we pushed through the clouds, I inched my shade open and what I saw was truly indescribable! It was as if we were in the Grand Canyon, but rather than shades of red and brown rock, we were surrounded by massive clouds of all shapes. The sun was setting behind us and was casting shades of pink, purple, and blue on the clouds that were under us, to the side of us and towering over us. It was truly breathtaking!

I opened the camera on my phone and took about a dozen photos and a few videos trying to document this amazing sight so I could (obviously) Instagram it later. But, as I peered at this cloud canyon through the camera lens, it suddenly lost it’s luster. The clouds weren’t as bright, the shapes seemed to shrink. I realized that the wonder of this moment couldn’t be captured through a 1” x 1” pic captioned with a catchy hashtag that would reside between a photo of someone’s dinner and someone else’s outfit of the day.

I felt God calling me, whispering to me that this moment was for us and us alone. Call it selfishness, or insanity, but I believe that this stunning canyon of clouds was created just for me. I could not take my eyes off that window as I craned my neck trying to capture every bit of the scene I could from a tiny airplane window. (Please tell me when someone invents an airplane with a fully transparent moon roof). Suddenly I felt special, more so than anyone else on that plane or anywhere else in the world for that matter. I was reminded that my God loves me enough to create beautiful things for me to simply enjoy. Things that help me remember how small I am and just how big He really is. Sights that help me remember that He holds my heart safely and securely in His hands. That I am not forgotten, alone or misunderstood by Him. My heart was His priority and He was romancing me.

I saw a quote on Pinterest awhile back that read “Make memories nobody else knows about”. I encourage you to make new memories with your Creator today. Capture a memory that only the two of you share, one that is so beautiful that it can’t be described. It will be one you can hold close to your heart and reminisce about, until the next time He sweeps you off your feet with His great, unfathomable love for you.


(Note: I do have many pictures of my encounter in Cloud Canyon, but none of them would do it justice.)

Live Quietly

Some people serve God loudly. I don’t mean obnoxiously, I mean publicly, in front of people. I guess I’m one of those. Almost everything God has called me to do includes me leading, or being in front of people. It’s not a bad thing to serve loudly, just different.

I just celebrated the life of a friend of mine who’s calling was opposite of mine. She served God, her family and her friends quietly. Pat was not a loud personality, but the way she served God and others spoke volumes. As I donned my most Hawaiian outfit and flip flops (at her request) and headed out for her memorial, I remembered watching her at church when I would lead worship. I would watch her light up as worship started and you could tell it was her happy place. Well not much changed as she reached the end of her life. I would bring my guitar over and sing with her…then towards the end when she was too weak to even keep her eyes open for long, I would sing to her as she rested. After each song when I stopped playing, she would quickly open her eyes as if to say “keep going…don’t stop.” She had more music in her iTunes library than most people I know, and would always ask about new worship songs so she could download them.

Listening to her friends and family honor her today made me think…no matter how “loud” my ministry may be it also needs to be quiet. My main ministry is leading worship. While this is a very public thing, worship is also very private, very quiet. What I mean is, in the quietness of my heart, I should be living a life of worship and of service. I want to fade into the background, serve quietly, walk quietly and live quietly before I go out and fulfill my “loud” calling.

Pat taught me that we all have our own calling, some louder than others…but the volume doesn’t change the impact. So live loud or live quiet, but make sure you live, love, serve and honor God in all you do.

In memory of Pat Morse

What remains...

I was invited to lead worship for a women’s retreat in the mountains of Ruidoso, New Mexico. Having never been to that part of New Mexico, I was excited to explore!  My flight landed in Albuquerque, so I had a 3 hour road trip ahead of me.  I picked  up my rental car (thanks Alamo for the free upgrade) and off I went.

There’s not much on the radio when you’re on the open road surrounded by nothing but dry brush, piñon trees and the occasional dairy farm.  I was perpetually hitting the seek button as I scanned through mostly talk radio, country and Spanish music.  As I got closer to my destination, the forest started to change.  I began to notice vast expanses of dead, burned trees.  I had to pull over to take a picture.  As I stepped out of my car I noticed the complete and utter silence.  I thought about how peaceful it would be to live in such a calm place.  The contrast of the black of the gnarly trees against the perfectly blue New Mexico skies was striking.  How could something so dead be so beautiful?



I hopped back in my car and kept driving.  About a mile down the road I saw something out of the ordinary.  I noticed steps that looked like they had previously led to a house, and a fireplace still standing.  All around it were black, dead trees.  And in front of it all stood a “for sale” sign as if to say “We give up.”  I ignored the Private Property sign and thought of how my Dad would do the same thing. (The apple doesn’t fall far). I drove slowly up the short gravel road and stood in front of the property.  I thought about the sadness that comes from losing your home, all of your belongings, something you have worked so hard for.  My heart was burdened for whoever this home had belonged to.  I don’t blame them, I would probably do the same, pack up and move out.



As I continued my journey I rounded a corner where there were more and more burned trees.  But then, there was something that took me by surprise.  In the middle of all the black trees were fresh wood walls and a brand new roof.  A brand new home was being build amidst the ruins of the old house that had been destroyed.  ”Wow!”  I said out loud.  I thought about how much courage it takes to rebuild in the danger zone.  I pondered the fear that needed to be overcome to say “We’re not giving up.  This is our home, and this is where we belong!”

Instantly I thought about marriages.  Marriages that have been through the fire, and have rebuilt amidst the ruins.  Two people who have chosen to admit “This is a huge mess, but together we can build this house again.”  So many give up far too soon.  They quit without fighting to rebuild, and they miss out on seeing the unexplainable power of God.  Sometimes all we can see is the burned trees.  All we can see is destruction, and we can’t even fathom something beautiful emerging from the carnage left behind.  Maybe you had a hand in starting, or stoking the “fire” that ruined your marriage.  Maybe, even now, you’re standing there and watching it burn, instead of doing what you can to put it out.  And now, it’s too big for you to control anymore.  My friend, it’s time to put it out.  You cannot rebuild until you have put that fire out. Think of that “fire” as the sin in your life.  You have brought it into your home and now it is a firewall that is between you, your spouse and God.  God wants to heal, He wants to rebuild, but He can’t until you put that fire out.  How?  Repent!  Give it up!  It’s time to stop burning down your own house, and time to get to work rebuilding it.

Throughout the rebuilding process God will give you glimpses of the beauty that will be.  As I drove through all those trees, I started to notice countless wildflowers growing at the foot of the dead trees.  Yellow flowers, purple flowers, scattered the forest floor bringing newness to this dead place.  No one planted them but God.  I began to notice the colors of the wildflowers more than I noticed the devastation.  See, that’s what God does.  He heals us, He restores us.  He completes the work in us, so that we start to notice the beauty rather than the death.  Will you let Him bring new beauty into your life, your marriage, your relationships?  God has that healing, it’s time to put the fire out, and lay the foundation for what is to come.  Don’t give up,  it’s always too soon to quit.

Head - Heart - Soul

“When the work takes over,  then the artist is enabled to get out of the way, not to interfere.  When the work takes over, then the artist listens.”  - Madeleine L’Engle                                              

Often times a song, poem, or piece of writing comes to me as if I have known it forever.  When it is a song, I call it a God-song, although I should just go ahead and call any art God gives me a piece….there you go a God-piece.  One that I can’t take credit for, but one that I merely opened and presented…much like untying a ribbon and gently loosening the wrapping paper to reveal the beautiful gift hidden inside.  I remember the first time my mind was enlightened to the fact that God gives us these works of art as gifts.  For right brained (creatives) like me, we often need to simply let the piece (song, poetry, sculpture, painting, dance, etc) be what it was meant to be.  It wasn’t until I read "Walking on Water" by Madeleine L’Engle that I realized that as an artist, I was really just a messenger.  The one who carried gifts, opened them and then presented them.  Pretty much a vessel.  Below is the newest gift that God gave to me in a time of discouragement.  I pray that it will be a gift to you.  If you are weary, let it be like water to your soul.  It is after all a God-piece.

Sometimes we have a broken heart.  A heart that longs for more.  A heart that is saddened by reality.  A heart that aches for fulfillment of promises that seem too much like fiction to believe in anymore.

At times we are fractured.  Like an egg that is cracked, with yolk and white running out the fissures that appear.  It’s a leaky mess, and we haven’t got the faintest idea of how to go about sealing it back up again.

Our head tells us it’s time to give up.  It doesn’t logically make sense to carry on.  The history shows that not enough has changed to make a huge difference, and simple math shows us that there have been more bad years than good, therefore making a very unpromising ratio. Our heart just keeps crying.  It can’t seem to decide how it feels, shadowed by confusion.  It hears our head telling it the logical truth, but it hears our soul whispering that there still is hope.

Ah yes, the soul.  The part of our humanity that causes us to believe that there is more.  The part of us that says there is hope when our head and our heart have given up.  The soul is the part that God touches.  Where He reminds us that He is bigger than we are, more powerful than we are, and that His plans for us are good.  The soul is what makes us feel that maybe we aren’t so doomed after all.  That maybe, just maybe, these cracks and fissures, rather than being a detriment, can be useful, to let the light shine in where there seems to be none.  From there the heart begins to bubble with hope, and the head begins to be persuaded that maybe it can fudge the numbers.  

Awake our souls, God.  Cause us to feel You with our hearts, to believe You with our heads, and to know You from the depths of our soul. 

Popularity Game

My daughter hangs out with boys at school everyday at lunch.  Sure, this bugged me a little when I found out.  I asked her why she didn’t hang out with the girls.  She said “All they want to do is walk around and gossip.  That’s not fun for me, I’d rather play dodgeball.  Walking around and talking sounds boring.”  This made sense to me, so I shrugged my shoulders and thought “Well, that sounds like a good reason, and at least it’s not because she’s boy crazy.”

After a few months though, it started to really bother me.  I began thinking about how I didn’t want her to miss out on the beautiful friendships that women can build.  I wanted her to be able to enjoy the closeness that only us girls have.  I thought about how after I have had an evening out with my friends, my hubby always asks “So what did you guys do?”  I almost always reply that we just sat around and talked and talked.  This has always been so confusing to him.  “You just talked?  You didn’t do anything?  Just TALKED?  That sounds so boring.”  See, men have to be doing something, while us ladies can get together and just share our lives with one another, face to face.  We laugh together, we cry together.  We try to get in as many coffee dates as we can, and pick up where we left off.

Wanting my daughter to start building these sweet friendships, I asked her again “Why do you only hang out with the boys?  Why don’t you hang out with any of the girls?”  “I try to Mom, but all the ‘popular’ girls hang out in a circle, and when I try to go over and join them, they push me out.”  My jaw dropped “They push you?!” I asked looking her in the eyes?  “No, I don’t mean they push me, they just, you know, step in front of me and don’t let me in.  They just don’t accept me.  So I go play with the boys instead, because they don’t care, and they accept me.”  My heart dropped.  She didn’t hang out with girls because they were all part of the popular crowd….and she was not.  It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hang out with them, the real reason is that she just wasn’t allowed.  

You know, this whole popularity game is stooooopid (yes, it’s dumb enough that it doesn’t deserve to be spelled right).  It infuriates me that kids can be so exclusive at such a young age, and for what?  As I sat and thought about it, and my eyes teared up.  She said it didn’t really bother her, that she was ok.  But it bothered me, and I wasn’t ok.  Do you know why I wasn’t ok?  Because that kind of junk doesn’t end on the schoolyard.  Unfortunately women everywhere feel isolated, lonely and forgotten.  Even in the church.  I could name numerous times that I’ve felt “squeezed out” of already established friend circles.  Pleasantries were exchanged, but I knew I wasn’t welcomed.  Have you been there?  What is that all about?  If there’s anywhere everyone should feel welcomed, it is in the house of God.  Can I get an amen?  We have been placed and planted in the house of God to build up the people of God.  If we decide rather to tear down and turn it into a playground popularity game, we have completely lost the plot.

I picture the body of Christ like the mighty Redwood forests in Northern California.  I was intrigued one day reading about them.  These trees can grow to a height of almost 400 feet.  They are so huge and intimidating, that when you stand at the base of one, you literally feel like you’re shrinking.  Interestingly enough, the deepest their roots will go is only 12 feet into the soil.  I’m no math whiz, but that ratio seems to spell disaster.  But there’s something special about the redwoods.  Though their roots are shallow, they grow horizontally, and actually become entangled with their neighboring tree’s roots.  They truly become one huge living organism together.  I imagine that if you tried to separate the roots, you wouldn’t be able to tell which root belonged to which tree.  These mighty giants would topple over during a storm if it weren’t for the support of their neighboring trees.  The Redwood’s roots remind me of our arms.  Arms that should be linked, entwined, joined together.  We need each other to be able to stand strong when the storms come.  We should be so closely knit together that the world can see that we won’t be easily shaken, that we will stand together.

We can’t busy ourselves with the popularity contests which don’t disappear after adolescence.  It is my hope that we will work towards unity within this group of people we call the church.  May God forgive us for the times we have created an environment that squeezes out new people just searching for a place to belong.  How many missed opportunities, how many broken hearts have passed through our buildings and left no better than when they came.  Start today by welcoming, including, encouraging, teaching and inspiring anyone you come in contact with.  And, oh yeah parents, make sure your kids know that life is about more than who is popular and who’s not.  Let’s teach our kids to love others, by showing them how it’s done.

                                                                              

Don't Mess With Momma Bear

"Is that the kid that’s been bothering you?"  I asked my youngest daughter.  "Yes" she replied as she climbed into the car.  This boy had been bugging her for months, and no matter what she said, he wouldn’t relent.  I had told her time and time again that she needed to stand up for herself, and tell him to leave her alone.  He didn’t seem to care much about what she said, so I decided it was about time for him to catch a glimpse of Momma Bear.  Maybe my strong, direct approach would coax him to change his ways and stay away from my daughter.

You know, it doesn’t take much for us Moms to get all riled up to the point where the claws come out, and I had my radar set on this kid.  I threw my car into park, and stepped outside, so caught up in the moment that I left my car door open.  I ran through my mind what I would say to him to make sure he got the message.  Something like “Hey kid, stay away from my daughter or I’ll sick my dog on you”.  Of course, I’m kidding, but you know you’ve thought something similar in those moments of Momma madness. (C’mon now, don’t lie)  My eyes were locked on him as I walked with intention over to where he was standing.  I rounded the back of my car, and gently placed my hand on the trunk.  Something was not right.  Something was very wrong.  ”Mom…mom…mom…”  I heard my daughter’s voice coming from the car.  To my horror, my car was indeed not in park, it was in drive, and it was…ahem….driving.  I darted back to the driver’s seat that was a good 5 feet farther down the road than it had been when I’d left it, jumped in to the front seat, and slammed on the brakes.   Yep, that happened.  In front of about 20 kids, a jaw dropped, SUV driving mom, and a bewildered crossing guard, I had just avoided a near catastrophe.  (No children were harmed in the making of this story).  You’d better believe I still went and gave this boy a talking to (albeit a little more humble than I had been initially).  However, I’m pretty sure my cat-like speed and ninja reflexes terrified him enough to the point where my words weren’t necessary.  MmmHmm, that’s right kiddo, this Mom ain’t kidding around.

Ok, hang on, I have a point here I promise.

The Mama Bear in me reminds me of the protector I have in Jesus.  He has met me in my deepest, darkest places.  He has been with me where no one else was welcomed or would dare to go even if they were invited.  He has never abandoned me, and He promises He never will.  What a comfort it is to know that I have Almighty God fighting for me.  To know that my battles aren’t really mine after all.  Exodus 14:14 says The Lord will fight for you, all you will need to do is stand still.  While He may not confront our bullies and give them a swift talking to, that is beside the point.  God is standing with me, walking beside me, and carrying me when I can no longer bear my own weight.   What a beautiful comforter and protector He is.

My final words of wisdom, always use your parking brake.  (place palm of hand to forehead with great force)

p.s. if you like the print above, you can get it right here.

The Bible isn't boring, you're boring

Don’t be offended by the title of this post.  It’s a quote from one of my favorite speakers Levi Lusko.  He was teaching and was noting how amazing the Word of God is and out came the quote “the Bible isn’t boring, you’re boring”.  I mean how many times have you sat down with your Bible, yellow highlighter, notebook and worship music with the full intention of getting in some really great time with God, only to be left feeling like you’re sitting in a lecture on quantum physics.  You don’t understand it, you don’t want to read it, you want to close the book and do something less demanding, like looking at your Instagram feed, again.

Truth be told, on most days, I am more interested in reading a People magazine than I am in reading my Bible.  Hold on!  Wait, don’t stop reading yet, keep on going…eyes on the screen…there you go.  Please know that I have a full understanding of how wrong that statement is.  I also want you to note that I didn’t say that I choose this magazine over the Word of God, I simply said my human brain always wants the easy way.  For this reason, glossy pages filled with photoshopped pictures, less than meaningful articles, and the “Stars!  They’re just like us” portion sounds WAY more fun than chewing on the book of Leviticus.  

Here’s the truth, there is a constant battle for our hearts, minds and souls.  The enemy (that’s the devil) is a stinking liar and wants us to believe that we will gain much more insight for life if we read about celebrities and their pets than we will if we dig into God’s word.  Wait a minute…this Book was written in God’s own words for us because He knew every single thing we would face in our lives, from beginning to end!  Don’t we all wish someone would write a song about us?  God went above and beyond (as always) and wrote a whole book for us!  I know, it’s pretty special.

We shouldn’t only read it because it’s written just for us, and because we need it to get us through the tough times in life.  This book is EXCITING!  There are battles won, battles lost, kings, queens, creatures that fly, enemies that die, people that sin, and a God that wins.  Ok, I didn’t set out to rhyme, it just happened, sorry.  But seriously, if we recognize how amazingly exciting God’s word can be, it will come alive!  Be honest with God.  If you’re bored and would rather spend an hour on Pinterest, tell Him!  It’s not as if He doesn’t already know, the way you sigh and roll your eyes is giving you away.  Give it 10 minutes, and expect to be inspired, enlightened and blown away by this amazing Book that is just waiting to be read.  Don’t be boring, go read your Bible!

Pity Party of One

Some days, doing what you’re called to do feels like it’s just too hard.  The heavy weight of responsibility can make us feel like we’re not competent enough to carry out this call God has placed on our lives.  You know where those thoughts and feelings come from?  The great deceiver, the condemner, the liar…satan. The Bible says he comes to rob, kill, steal and destroy.  He doesn’t come to just shake things up a bit.  He wants to do a swift drop kick to knock you off your feet, then he wants to climb up the ropes like some crazy WWF wrestler, and jump from there nailing you in the chest so you can’t even take a breath.  Can you relate?  The devil will ALWAYS kick you when you’re down.  He’s not content for you to just be tired, he wants to pulverize you, and any faith you have left in Jesus.  If he can do that, he wins, and you lose.

Well, not long ago, I’d had a rough week, fraught with wicked uppercuts to the chin, roundhouse kicks to the ribs and a pretty accurate one-two punch.  It was just a down time, nothing I could really put my finger on, just had a little case of the blues.  I’ve found that any time I’m disappointed in any way, my old failures find their way in again, paralyzing me.  It seems like any time I would find my footing, I would get knocked down again and again.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  And so ensued a lovely little pity party…  

You’ve had one of those right?  You know the kind where it’s not enough to just be a little bummed out. You throw a big shindig and you do that party up!  You decorate it with cups full of regret, sugar bowls tainted with sorrow, and a big fat cake of despair! Maybe you even bring others along with you.  You send them texts that say “Does God even care about me?”  You email them “If God loves me so much, then why are things not changing for the better?  Why I am so sad?”

As I tuned in to the local Christian radio station, it seemed all the messages I heard were about the strongholds satan can bring into your life, and to not underestimate his power.  He’s not stronger than God, but without allowing God to be our shield, we are left unprotected.  I let it sink in, but only a little, because this little bit of wisdom was, after all, interrupting my pity party.  How rude!

I once heard a pastor say “How dare you say ‘does God really love me?”  Talk about a jolt!  I was instantly convicted and humbled.  I remembered all that Jesus went through at the cross, the pain, the agony.  I was reminded that when everything else is going wrong, there is one thing that will never change, and can never be erased…THE CROSS!!  It was for me!  How dare I doubt the love of a God who threw shame to the wind, embraced all of us, and died in our place.  Not a quick, easy death, but a horrid, mortifying, excruciating death.  Not to mention carrying the weight of our sin and shame, a feeling He had never endured, having never sinned.  We know what shame feels like, because every time we sin we feel that heaviness.  But imagine Jesus who was without any sin, suddenly feeling not just my shame, but the shame of an entire world, from generations past, present and future.  That is a weight and pain that cannot be described in any language.

Oh friends, it is my prayer that God would forgive our doubt, forgive our flippant view of the cross at times.  Impress on us the magnitude of His love, His sacrifice, and His unending devotion to seeing us, His children win!  He wants us to succeed in all that He has called us to by walking in the power of His Holy Spirit!  When life is less than perfect, it is my prayer that God will make us useful, with full followers who do not waver.

Needless to say, my pity party didn’t last long.  But this was one party I was happy to have crashed!

Don't make it big, make Him big.

If I had a nickel for how many times I’ve been told I should go on American Idol, The Voice or some other TV talent show, I’d probably have about five bucks.  Once a man told me he believed it was God’s will for me to go on The Voice.  Of course, I’m flattered and encouraged, and don’t for a second think that I am putting these encouragers down.  Whenever I am asked if I’ve ever thought about auditioning I’ve replied “You know, it’s just not really my thing.”

It is not my long term goal to make it big in the worship or music scene.  I am certainly not in ministry for the money, and God forbid that I ever make it about that.  It is, however, my intention to make Jesus huge.  I want to write music and share songs that help brighten the dark places, and bring hope where there is none.  I want to speak life to what is dead and encourage people that they are not alone, and that God is not finished writing their amazing story yet.  

As it turns out, being a worship leader is a pretty lucrative business.  When I was the one in charge of booking special guest artists at our church, I was flabbergasted (my ultimate favorite word) at the high cost of worship.  Granted, not all are this way but due to these ridiculous prices, we rarely brought in special music.  As for me, I’ve decided that I will never charge a church any certain amount.  I never want to put a price on bringing worship music to a church.  I feel that it changes the purpose.  I understand that a worker is worthy of his wages (1 Timothy 5:18), but I also believe that God takes care of my every need.  (Luke 12:27-31).  Now, of course I would love granite countertops, travertine floors, a glistening swimming pool, and a lush succulent garden all around my beachfront home (no I don’t have a beachfront home).  Those things are not needs though, those are wants.  I am in no way condemning people who have those things.  Honestly I have to repent an uncanny amount of times when I am on Pinterest as I drool over gorgeous, perfectly put together homes.   However, growing up a missionary and pastor’s kid has taught me that God will provide for all my needs, not all my wants, and He makes us content with exactly what He has given us.  I have no desire to drive a luxury car to my next women’s retreat or worship conference.  I am content getting incredible gas mileage in my Prius thank you very much.  Please understand, if God decides to increase my territory in ministry, I would be absolutely delighted.  I am amazed at the places He has brought me.  From southern California to Australia, and Europe…following Him is truly an adventure.  I just never, ever, ever want to put monetary compensation above Him.

What is my point?  Am I putting down worship leaders or artists that have a set fee?  No.  Am I criticizing and judging their motives?  No.  Am I saying that everyone should do what I do?  Um, no.  I can only speak for myself, and the desires of my own heart.   I really can’t sum it up any better than these words written over 100 years ago.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise. Thou mine inheritance now and always. Thou and Thou only first in my heart. High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.

May my heart always be set on the praise and provision of God.  May I always promote Him and His agenda, forsaking my own.  May He forgive me for any times I have made it more about me and less about Him.  May He take me to places I have never been, to minister to people I’ve never met, to share with them a Truth they’ve never heard, to introduce them to a Savior they never knew.  I am His, I will follow, with Him escorting my heart, and steering it along this amazing, adventurous path He has laid out for me.

I Dare You!

Wednesdays have become my writing days.  I drop off the kids at school, find a spot at my favorite coffee shop, grab a pour over and get cozy.  Last week I was writing about my adventures as a traveling worship leader, when the cutest teenage couple came in and sat within ear shot of me.  Now, to be clear, I wasn’t eavesdropping, but as I saw them get all comfy on the couch next to one another, I couldn’t help but notice (and hear) them.  You recognize young love when you see it.  It’s all about body language.  She flips her hair, and tilts her head just so.  He chivalrously offers to go get her a glass of water instead of letting her get it herself.  Every comment is met with more laughter than necessary, and there’s very little silence.  Everyone else around them disappeared as they got lost in their own little world.  It was adorable to watch as I remembered the days when I flirted with my (soon to be) husband when he was still oblivious to my real feelings about him.  As they continued to chit chat, I began to realize they were talking about mission trips, and all that God was doing.  I was all smiles inside as I got excited about what God was going to do in these two young people.  I thought back to when I was their age and I was excited about going on a mission trip to Africa, it was all I could talk about.  As I reminisced, suddenly God started talking crazy to me.

“I want you to pray for them” said His voice running through my head.  I’m sure I outwardly showed my confusion as I thought, “I don’t even know them, I just thought they were cute!  I mean, aren’t they cute?  What am I supposed to pray for them about, and besides I’m writing right now, and I don’t have much time”.  I continued on with my work, as that thought (read command) kept running through my mind.  Finally God said it strongly one more time “Go pray for them.”  My heart started pounding, and my lips got chapped just thinking about it.  You see, most people who know me are aware that I’m really more of an introvert.  Yes, all areas of ministry God has placed me in are no place for someone who’s not naturally outgoing.  But because He likes to show us what a miracle worker He is, and also because I believe He has a wonderful sense of humor, here I am doing a extrovert’s job.  It’s quite hilarious when I stop and think about it.  And now, here God was again, asking me to step outside my comfort zone!   

I fiddled with my rings, and gently bit my (now chapped) lip trying to plan out how I was going to approach these cute little strangers.  Then raising one eyebrow I realized that whenever I plan something out it never works, so I just scooted across the couch and said “I’m sorry to interrupt, but…um what are your names….what church do you go to?”  They looked a little stunned, and a tad wary as if I was about to sell them a Tupperware set.  I told them I couldn’t help overhearing them talking about God and just felt like I was supposed to pray for them.  Their expression changed as they said “Ah that would be rad!  Yeah, totally!”  So we bowed our heads and I just prayed that God would bless them in whatever He was calling them to, that they would go forward in boldness.  I prayed that they wouldn’t have any wasted years but that their days would be lived out loving and serving Jesus.  When i finished praying, they thanked me, and I told them God bless, and nice to meet you.  There was no big fanfare.  The sky didn’t open up, and I didn’t get some revelation in my head of what they were going through.  I did however walk away with an excitement about what God’s next covert operation would be for me!  It was downright exhilarating to see how God gave me a command, and then gave me the bravery to carry it out.

Sometimes God calls us to do things that seem small, almost insignificant.  But honestly, is anything we do for Jesus meaningless?  I may never know why those two needed a prayer that day, and that’s ok.  All that matters is that I did what God wanted me to.  What about you?  Any strangers God wants you to talk to today?  I double dog dare you.

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What will people think of you?

I sat silently in my car, held the phone on my ear, and listened. “You really need to be careful who you share your story with.  You could lose a lot of people.  I read some of these stories you’ve written and thought ‘gosh, I don’t even know who she is anymore.”  The words rang out and felt like a knife to my chest.  After years of being open and honest about my story with anyone God had asked me to, I had taken a leap of faith and given some of my writings to an acquaintance of mine who was a book editor.  They were just a collection of devotionals, or short stories, like you’re reading here on my blog (thank you by the way!)  First she had told me the short stories were charming, which felt like the equivalent of a compliment to a kindergartener on their rendition of the last supper drawn with all stick people. (um, gee thanks?) I was then given this little gem of advice, to try not to be too honest about who I had been, because people may not like me.  It was the first time I had been met with such distaste after telling my story.  While some may have been surprised, most had been thankful that I had opened up, entrusted them with my heart, and were stoked to see all that God had done in my life and marriage.  But this was different and it hurt.  Really bad.  

At the end of this phone call I was left defeated, wondering if she was right.  Maybe I should just shut up and not tell my story.  Maybe I would lose a lot of people.  I texted one of my best friends and recounted the conversation, telling her of my defeat and how it felt like a ton of bricks sitting on my chest.  She reminded me that I didn’t need to take everything someone said to heart.  That my story was God’s story and that I was able to reach people who have been in my situation in a way nobody else could.  I remembered that I wasn’t out to impress people, I was out to obey God.

As the day went on, and this conversation weighed on my mind as these types of things do, God spoke gently to me: 

“Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” Mark 2:17

I realized, THIS is my calling.  Here’s the deal.  Some of us have amazing testimonies filled with upright lives that have completely glorified God.  I am so amazed and inspired by women who have kept themselves pure before marriage, never had a drop of alcohol, a puff on a cigarette or had a swear word leave their lips.  What a testimony this is to the fact that the Holy Spirit gives us the power to live these lives set apart for Him, it can be done!  It is what I pray for my children.  But, it’s not my testimony.  It doesn’t make it worse, or better, it just makes it different.  

I believe that God has called me to reach out to those who feel broken and beaten, and completely unwelcome into the church with the baggage they carry.  I believe God has called me to lighten their load simply by letting them know they’re not the only sick person here.  The church is filled with sick people.  People who need Jesus in a desperate way.  People who have been rejected by God’s own people because of their story.  In the same way a doctor can’t help a sick person who won’t admit their sickness, Jesus can’t help someone who doesn’t realize their hopelessness without Him.  

Without Jesus, we are all hopeless.  Without Him we are all a nosediving plane just waiting to hit the ground.  My encouragement today is simply this: God has given you a story, and it is a story that someone needs to hear.  Maybe not right now…maybe you’re still in the middle of your healing and that wound is too raw.  But someone, someday will need your story to revive them from the comatose state they feel like they’re in.  Don’t let the fear of what people may think keep you from obeying the Creator of the universe and the Maker of your heart.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you all to go start a blog and tell the whole world.  Maybe your story will be used in one or two people, who need an intimate friend who knows exactly how they feel.  In whatever way He calls you to share your life, do it!  He will use you in ways you could never imagine, to reach those that no one else can.

 P.S. Oh, and what about my acquaintance?  Some people won’t understand your vision, or what God has called you to.  She’s completely entitled to her opinion.  I don’t think of her as a hater, or someone who doesn’t realize her need for Jesus.  God has just given her a different calling, and she does an amazing job writing and editing some wonderful books!  I learned a lot from the blunt words she spoke.  No hard feelings here.