Click here for my FACEBOOK PAGE

Facebook

“Surrounded by multi-million dollar homes” was the title of the post.  At first glance, one would think, oh wow, this must be nice!  But upon further investigation of this clever catch phrase, I realized that being surrounded by multi-million dollar homes doesn’t make a house nice, anymore than being surrounded by delicious ripe tomatoes makes a rotten one any sweeter.

Out of curiosity I clicked on the pic.  Low and behold, in the photo I saw a teensy weensy trailer, which was nothing more than a glorified pop-up camper.  No shower, not even a toilet!  Talk about misleading advertising!

I was reminded of this ad the other day, when I thought“I wonder what people assume when we say we live in Corona Del Mar”.  The fact of the matter is, we are surrounded by multi-million dollar homes!  Ha Ha!  Seriously!  Our landlord actually calls our neighbor’s home “Montezuma” because it is so huge!  It actually keeps our bedroom nice and cool in the afternoons on account of the shade it creates.  We don’t by any means live in the pop-up camper I just mentioned, but it is a humble little home, surrounded by gargantuan monstrosities.  Mind you, we have gladly sacrificed space for the view.  We prefer to be closer to the coast so that if the mood strikes, a stroll on the sand is within reach.  But it doesn’t come without compromise.

Storage is a huge commodity when you choose a smaller place.  Every nook and cranny must be utilized.  Our girls share a room.  They always have.  We’re also the proud owners of an unlikely indoor dog, Madden, a 40 pound boxer who is still a puppy (ie. she won’t weigh 40 pounds for long).  Then comes the kitchen, well, in short, there is no dishwasher, and no real possibility of installing one.  And all the mommies gasp!  I know!  I was aghast at first as well.  Then I thought about how selfish I was being letting the lack of a dishwasher be a deal breaker for me.  I know plenty of people without dishwashers, and there are people who live in Africa who don’t even have the luxury of hot water!  Trust me, I know after taking cold showers on a visit there myself!

It’s easy for us to forgo a larger home in exchange for a smaller home with evening walks on the beach.  But then, I got to thinking about what we want in life, in relationships and in ourselves…….and how we rarely get exactly what we want.  Often, we need to give up something to get something.  Life take turns we weren’t expecting, relationships can have disappointments we hadn’t anticipated, and being our own worst critic, even our expectations of ourselves can be sorely overestimated.  So, what is there to do then?  Do we give up?

You know the old saying “If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade”.  I’m not a huge fan of lemonade, so I have decided to take a more elementary principle that we used when I worked as a preschool music teacher “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit”.  This doesn’t always work for me, but I try.  Sometimes I can throw some pretty unsightly fits.  Obviously I’m not throwing myself of the floor like a two year old.  I take a more grown up approach, such as the silent treatment, or adult pouting.  In the end I know that God has plans for me, and I would be lying if I said I don’t get disappointed when they don’t fall into what I think suits me best.

Just like our little 620 square foot house at the beach, where a few sacrifices have to be made, the same should go for my life.  What sacrifice will I make when my relationships aren’t matching up to my expectations?  What changes am I going to make in MYSELF when my life isn’t going the way I wanted it to?

The older I get, the more I am realizing how prideful I am, in the sense that I don’t want to be the one to change or to sacrifice.  It’s like I have some sort of sacrifice-o-meter that dictates how much I am willing to give, and when my limit has been reached, I won’t be shelling out anymore favors.  Wow, that sounds pretty ugly when I say it out loud.  Please tell me I am not alone on this, it’ll make me feel so much better.

Have you found yourself in this same position?  I suppose not matter how generous and giveing we are, sometimes we all get a little fed up.  The load gets a little too heavy, that same person is asking you to give a little more again……and you feel like the life is just being sucked out of you.  Whittle it down, and guess what?  Through hurdles such as these, we’re really being forced into humility.

As is always the case, this reminds me of a song:

-Make me a servant, humble and meek,  Lord let me lift up those who are weak.  And may the prayer of my heart always be, make me a servant…….today-

Remember that old song?  It’s my prayer today.  And I know that where the Lord gives us the desire to change, He gives us the ability to make them.  God always makes a way…..

Here I am again, trying to force myself to rest, and not talk, after catching a cold that has stolen my voice from me.  I’m busy texting my husband, who is sitting on the couch next to me, in order to save my voice.  When I get tired of texting, I’m invoking some pretty funny moments as I try to use the sign language I do know to communicate.  It’s pretty humorous here at the Quintana homestead.  Turns out Jessie is a pretty good lip reader.  Or maybe he’s reading my mind. Hmmm…..we’ll call that selective mind reading.

If I’m counting correctly, I’m pretty sure that this is the 4th or 5th time I have lost my voice in a year.  And, quite honestly I don’t understand why.  Well, that’s not entirely true. For about the last 3 years I have been so blessed to lead worship almost every Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday.  Sprinkle in there a few women’s events, retreats, baptisms, missions gatherings, school of worship classes, and you’ve got a recipe for vocal cord overload!  Then throw a cold in top of that and WHAM!  Your voice is done!

When this has happened in the past I’ve thought, “what if my voice never came back?”.  It’s a valid fear.  Even with proper singing technique, just the overuse could cause me to develop nodules, (basically callouses on the vocal cords) which could end up leading to permanent damage to my voice.  It’s a scary thought.

When I can’t sing I feel a bit empty.  Think of your favorite thing to do.  Maybe you’re a runner.  What if you broke your foot, and were prevented from running throughout the healing process?  You’d feel a bit cooped up right?  Worse yet, what if you permanently damaged it, forever?  Or a photographer.  What if you lost feeling in your hands and couldn’t catch all those beautiful moments anymore?

Well, here I am wondering what my voice will sound like once the coughing has subsided.  Will I still have the same range, will I still be able to sing in the keys I love, and the songs that i love?  Maybe this is the worst case scenario, but…….What if I never sing again?

Well, so what if I never sang again?  What?  What am I saying?  How can I sing with no voice, how can I leather congregation with no voice?  How can I worship with no voi…………Oh.  Wait a minute……

I CAN worship without a voice.  People worship God without voices, without sight, with deaf ears, and missing limbs.  What makes me think my voice is so special?

My initial answer would be that it’s my gift.  It’s what God gave me to be able to worship Him.  But is it what i need to posses to be able to worship Him?  Would my world end if I lost my voice forever?  Well, sort of.  My world as I know it would be finished.  But in reality the planets would continue to circle the sun, the waves wouldn’t cease crashing on the shore, and the worship team would still be able to lead the congregation in worship without me.

I’ve heard that when people lose their sight, their ability to hear is heightened.  Maybe that happens to all of us.  Maybe when we lose something important to us, it increases our ability to hear from God.  It brings us to a point where we drop all of our preconceived ideas of what we thought our life would be, and cry out to God “OK God, I’m listening.  Why did you take this away?  What am I supposed to do now?  I thought I knew where my life was headed and now I’m just lost”.

Have you ever been there?  Maybe you’re not a singer, but have you lost a friendship?  A marriage?  A child?  A job?  A talent?  Then you know the feeling.  Maybe you’re at a place where you are wondering the same thing.  ”what do I do now God?  I don’t get.”

I don’t have the answers but I do know that God has said in His word that He has good for us.  Losing my voice is NO BUENO but I do know that it is forcing me to seek Jesus.  To worship Him in other ways that maybe I’ve neglected. It’s causing me to be more open to what my future might look like, even one without singing.  Maybe it’s not a future filled with making music, but so what if it’s not?  That just means that God has more for me.  And whatever He does have is going to be better.

God never takes us from one good thing and throws us into a junk heap!  His word says He takes us from glory to glory.  I can’t see what’s ahead.  I don’t know if I will get my full voice back, but I can say that I can sing without a voice.  I can sing His praises from my heart, in my writing, in my relationships with my husband, my children, and my friends.  I can sing from the depths of me that I will follow Him no matter what comes, or goes.  Perhaps all these ponderings of a  life without a voice is a bit extreme, but it’s like the boy scouts always say ‘always be prepared’.

“when dark trials come, and my heart is filled, with the weight of doubt, I will praise Him still…….He ave us life in His perfect will, and by His good grace, I will praise Him still.”. -Fernando Ortega

Well, just recently in January, My little family and I were headed our to Albuquerque for a late Christmas celebration with my husband’s family.  As we drove past Barstow, I asked the girls if they remembered the story their Papa Bill told them about Steven.  Then, pointed that we were passing the very spot of our encounter with this blessing of a man!

It wasn’t until we were on our way back home to California, that we made a stop in Barstow, for none other than a cheeseburger with grilled onions, protein style (at least that was my order).  I waited outside with the girls and the puppy, while Jessie went in to order for us.

I gazed over to the next parking lot where we had met Steven.  I remembered how he emerged from the sparse shade of a tree with an expectant look on his face, asking if he could wash our windows.  Wouldn’t it be weird if we saw him here, I thought.  I envisioned him under the same tree, wearing the same loose pants held up with a rope, asking for money to help make ends meet.

Just then, I noticed a man walking through the In-N-Out parking lot.  It was STEVEN!  I couldn’t believe it!  What were the odds?  I mean, I assumed he stayed around this area, but it really caught me off guard when he just showed up!  At first I said nothing, actually I panicked.  Do you ever get that way?  I think if we were honest, most of us have elevated heart rates when we see a person who is without a home.  Whether you are driving in your car, or walking by, there’s just something about a person who is unashamedly asking for your help, that makes you squirm.

I was squirming alright.  I knew I couldn’t tell my Dad I had seen Steven, but was too shy to say hello.  But, it was more than the fear of disappointing my perpetually proud father.  It was more about a responsibility to greet a friend.  It’s what I would do for any of my other friends.

I waited awhile, then went into the restaurant where Steven was just settling in to eat his food.  He had his big shoulder bag with him, and seemed surprised, maybe even a bit startled when I walked over and said “Hi! you’re Steven right?”  as I reached out to shake his hand.

“Well yes ma’am I am” he answered with his sweet southern drawl.  I went on to explain that we had met awhile back, I had driven through with my Dad, and we had shared a song with him before we pulled out of town.  He remembered my Dad, and asked how he was doing.  I told him he was fine, and asked how he was doing. “Oh, I’m doin’ fine, just hangin’ in there.”   After a quick chat, I told him I would say hello to my Dad, and left as I said “Take care of yourself, Steven, great to see you again.”

That was it.  Probably less than a minute.  I left feeling like I should’ve done more.  As we pulled away, and I saw Steven walking through the parking lot, my eyes filled with tears as I asked my husband if we should have done more.  Should we have given him some money?  Offered him a ride?  I told the girls we were going to pray for our friend Steven.

As I prayed, I realized what I’ve always known, that nothing really happens by chance.  God knew that I would need my In-n-Out burger at the same time Steven would come to get his.  He planned it all out.  But why?  What could I have possibly done that could have helped.

My husband may make fun of me for this, as I always think I have people figured out.  The way I see it is this:  what if Steven woke up that morning thinking that he was pretty unimportant, and that no-one really cared.  I imagine that washing windows for change doesn’t fill you with too much dignity.  I would say it’s a humble job, but Steven did it with such grace.

I believe that the reason we ‘ran into’ Steven that day was because he needed to be recognized.  Maybe he needed someone to see him as a human, as I’m sure so many pass him without saying a word.  Maybe, just maybe he was about ready to give up, and God sent me (with elevated blood pressure) to have a quick chat.  Maybe it meant more to him than some money to buy a meal.

I don’t even know Steven’s last name, but he has changed the way that I view my neighbors who are without a home.

Why does Steven, or any other needy person make me nervous?  Why do they make me squirm, and send me fumbling around in my car, or wanting to look away?  Because when I see someone who needs help, I’m essentially put ‘on notice’.  Meaning I have been made aware of a need, and there’s now a responsibility on me to do something about it.  Hmmm….I’m pretty sure there’s a verse somewhere in the Bible that talks about helping those in need……

I know, I know, there’s the whole stigma about giving money, “But I don’t know where they’ll spend it!”  Then don’t give money!  If it worries you to give money (which is understandable) give something else.  My friend Katie started a non-profit organization called A Bag of Hope.  They make bags filled with some needed essentials, as well as Bible tracts that you can keep in your car to give to someone in need.  Check out her website.  www.giveabagofhope.com.

My point is, if you’re nervous, it’s for a reason.  Consider it a call to action.  Don’t do nothing!!  Do something!  Imagine what it would be like everyday to be ignored.  Seen as less of a human.  Think of how amazing it would be if you just stopped and talked, or prayed with someone who was in need.  Bring a Bag of Hope along with you, and just acknowledge that their life is just as important as yours.  That God created them just the same as He created you.  The church is filled with broken, down & out people like me, and you.  And, there is always room for more!

‘getting even never healed one person’. -Eva Kor

My dog recently had a surgery and needed someone to keep an eye on her the first two days.  I was really the only candidate as my husband had to work.  I actually welcomed the opportunity.  I relish in getting time to myself, crave it actually.  Contrary to what people might assume, I’m really a closet introvert.  I recharge by getting alone.  As you can imagine, it’s a challenge to get that elusive alone time with two kiddos!  I don’t have to necessarily be doing anything special, even a run to the grocery store will do it.  This time, my solo escape consisted of caring for my sweet little pup, whose head was confined in the cone of shame.

After dropping the kids off at school, and spending some time in the book of Joshua, I decided to check out what was new on Netflix.  Poor Madden (said pup) couldn’t go for walks outside, except for taking care of business, if you catch my drift, so we were stuck inside all day.

I’m totally a sucker for documentaries.  First, I chose one about an  amazing actor who decided to retire, only to get caught up in drugs, nearly going crazy.  It was so incredibly DEPRESSING.  I definitely don’t recommend it, which is why I’m not even mentioning the title.  My husband and I recently started watching Prison Break, but I couldn’t seem to get focused long enough to follow the story line, so I kept looking for something else.

Then I found it.  ”Forgiving Dr Mengele”.  The story of Eva and Miriam, a set of twins who were captured by the Nazis at age 7.  It was news to me that a man by the name of Doctor Mengele subjected many sets of twins to excruciating, humiliating, and abusive experiments.  He had no regard for human life, nor did he care about the innocence of these precious children.  He was so heartless that he was nicknamed The Angel of Death.

I don’t want to ruin the whole movie, s I won’t give all the details, but I will say that the basis of the film is forgiveness, primarily forgiving the Nazis.  Eva Kor has begun, and is carrying a legacy that forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean you forget.

“Getting free from the Nazis did not remove the pain they have inflicted upon me. There might be another way that survivors can heal.  I have found one way.  FORGIVE….YOUR….WORST….ENEMY.  It will heal your soul, and it will set you free.”

Can you believe it?  Would you be able to say that? Eva’s entire family died as a result of the holocaust.  She’s been left with a number tattoos on her arm, and scars that will never heal.  But she has found a way to find healing within her own heart. The amazing thing is, I don’t even think Eva knows Jesus!  As far as I understand, she is still Jewish.  She sure puts me to shame as a Christian.  What about you?

When you read the words ‘your worst enemy’ what name enters your mind?  That first name, the one that pops in without you being able to stop……..is the one God wants you to forgive.

We may not have the Nazis hunting us down, performing bizarre tests on us, and murdering our families.  All the more, this should cause us to be spurred on to forgive someone who has spoken ill of you, betrayed your trust, broken your friendship, spread rumors about you, hurt you physically or emotionally.

But what if you never saw that person ever again.  Eva will never see the Angel of Death again.  Does that nullify her forgiveness?  Some fellow survivors thought so.  Her stand for forgiveness made her quite unpopular among her fellow Jews who suffered in the atrocity that was the Holocaust.  One man argued that forgiveness means that you have told that person that you understand why they did what they did, and that you can now see the reasons, which has brought you to a place where you can now offer them forgiveness.

WHAT??  How on earth could someone ever say that they understand why their friend turned their back on them, or why their parents abused them, why their husband was unfaithful, or why they forced them to starve to death in the freezing cold simply because they were Wore a gold star on their lapel?

Forgiving someone may not mean that you will ever receive an apology.  They may never even know that you have forgiven them in the first place.  But we are still told, according to God’s Word, that we are to forgive, again and again.

This movie was heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time.

I was so incredibly challenged to revisit my belief on forgiveness.  The Bible says that to be forgiven, we need to forgive.  Whether you were a Nazi who aided in the murder of so many, or an office worker who took home a mechanical pencil by accident, we are all in need of God’s forgiveness.

I really hope you will watch this amazing documentary.  It will change you for sure.

There are a few people in our church who I LOVE to watch during worship.  So as to not embarrass them, I will leave their names out.  I don’t want them to start worshiping with one eye open wondering if I’m watching them now do I?

There is an older gentleman, who keeps his hands raised straight up, eyes closed for almost the entire duration of worship.  I have spoken to him in passing before and after service, and he is the quietest (almost shy) gentleman.  But, when it comes to worship, he is by no means shy.  He is one of my favorites!

Then there are two different missionaries who worship God with huge smiles on their faces, hands held high, sometimes with tears.  I remember one night in particular where we were singing “I’ve found a love, greater than life itself”, she stood crying, raising her hands looking up to the heavens with such intensity that it threw shivers up my spine.  I almost had to stop playing because the emotion she showed was so overwhelmingly beautiful!

Then there is a man in our church, who doesn’t have a home.  He serves regularly here, doing odd jobs.  He works hard, and is humbled when he is given anything, feeling like he doesn’t deserve it.  He has recently become a Christian, and is generally a reserved person.  However, whenever we sing “All glory, All honor, all praise to You” His hands go up, almost as if God Himself has lifted them.  I will always open my eyes, and gaze to the back of the room, knowing I will see him there with His arms raised worshiping God and giving Him the honor and glory he is due.

So, now do you understand?  I am no stalker.  I am a worship leader who finds joy in seeing God’s people truly enter into His presence without holding back.  When I see our church singing to God, and worshiping from  the depths of their soul, not worrying about what others may say or think, I just smile a HUGE smile (I still have to play the guitar you know!)  I wish I could applaud them, for giving Jesus EVERYTHING when they worship Him in song.

It’s always been something I have told our worship community, that it is our job as the worship team to make observation unbearable, and participation irresistible when it comes to our worship here at Refuge.  I hope and pray that we will see more and more Refugees throwing their hands up to God giving Him the honor, the glory and the praise that is His!

I promise I won’t stalk you, but I may watch you for a minute, and thank God for the blessing it is to serve this church through music!

“We need to move in 3 days.” is what I heard my husband say on the other end of the line.

I could feel my face get hot with confusion, anger, and sheer panic!  I was speechless.

“Are you still there?” Jessie said.

“…….yes…..” I said.  I had no other words.  How on earth were we supposed to find a new home, pack and move in 3 days?  On top of that, it was a Wednesday.  I had to lead worship that night at Refuge, then at Regenerate church Thursday night, then Friday morning at Calvary Chapel Pacific Coast Women’s Ministry.  Not to mention the weekend services at Refuge, Emi’s birthday and birthday party, and all my other Momly duties! How could this be done??

“It’s going to be OK” Jessie said.  “We’re going to be ok, we’ll work it out.”

I fought the tears that were streaming down my face.  “What are we going to do?”  I thought.  My oldest daughter Emi was sitting in the front seat quietly.  I turned to look at Mia in the back seat to find her laying down on the back seat with her hands covering her sweet little face.

“Mia what’s wrong sweet girl?”  I said, my voice trembling, as I tried (unsuccessfully)to hide the fact that I was upset.  “Are you crying?”

She sat up with tears streaming down her face.  “How will we find a place to live?” she said.  Her poor little 7 year old heart was overwhelmed.  I’m sure she was picturing our family standing on the side of the road with a cardboard sign that said “Anything will help”.

I had a choice.  Call it a fork in the road.  I could choose to be a symbol of fear, panic and uncertainty to my kids.  Or, I could choose to be a symbol of solidarity in the promise that God is watching over us.  I chose the latter.

I confidently wiped the tears from my eyes, sat up straight, sweetened the tone of my voice, and said “We’re going to be just fine girls.  God already has a house picked out for us!  We just need to find it!  And, if we can’t find it in 3 days, we have plenty of friends and family!  We’ll be OK.  We will have a place to stay.  We just have to trust in God”.

“But 3 days??” Mia said “That’s like, today, then tomorrow, then that’s the 3rd day?”

“Yes, but you know what baby girl, our God is really big!  He owns everything, and He can find us a house!”

I was so firm in the belief that God had a place for us, and nothing was going to shake that.  We had moved in less than 3 days in the past (long story, tell ya later), and we could do it again!  My faith was strong until…..1 house fell through…….then another……this one doesn’t take dogs, this one’s too expensive, this one’s too far, etc etc etc.  On it went until I began to lose heart. And I got angry.

It wasn’t OUR fault that the landlord was foreclosing!  Why should WE have to be so inconvenienced because of HIS problems.  I wanted to give him a piece of my mind.  I wanted to call him up and tell him that he had the potential to ruin my daughter’s birthday.  Momma bear was in the house, and she was on the warpath!

Then came Friday.

We were looking at 2 different houses, and couldn’t decide.  We both agreed that if the one we liked could knock off $100 of rent we would take it.  We didn’t feel comfortable asking though, so we were about to drive away, when the landlord walked up to the car window and said “Look, if it makes any difference, I can knock $100 off the price.”

WHAT?  Weird right?  Or is it?

Is it odd that we had 3 days to move, and we found a house in 2?  Is it odd that this home was almost the exact same size, but had an area for our new dog?  Is it odd that our landlord is a single Mom who could use some help fixing up her place, and my husband is pretty handy?  NOPE!  Why?  Because that’s how God works.  He doesn’t work on our timetable.  He changes things when HE’S ready to change things.  All we have to do is be ready to roll with the punches, and move when He says move.  (sometimes literally)

P.S. Thanks to all our friends who jumped at the chance to help us move!  You are amazing!

Transparency is my favorite!

That being said, this following post is going to be pretty darn transparent.

I LOVE worship, and leading others in worship is SUCH a privelege!  I lead worship on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays, with the occasional Friday women’s ministry thrown in. The Christmas season is even busier with special events coming up!  I LOOOOVE what I do, and would never want to stop!  It’s where I feel most complete, and content.  It’s not just a matter of doing what I WANT to do, but doing what you are CALLED to do is more fulfilling than any other career choice I could have made.

Then comes the great deceiver, the condemner, the liar, the creep, the jerk…….satan.  The Bible says he comes to rob, kill, steal and destroy.  He doesn’t come to just shake things up a bit.  He wants to do a swift drop kick to knock you off your feet, then he wants to climb up the ropes, and jump from there nailing you in the chest so you can’t even breathe enough to speak out Jesus’ name.  Can you relate?  The devil will ALWAYS kick you when you’re down.  He’s not content for you to just be tired, he wants to destroy you, and any faith you have in Jesus.  If he can do that, he wins, and you lose.

Well, it’s been a rough week, fraught with wicked uppercuts to the chin, roundhouse kicks to the ribs and a pretty accurate one-two punch.  I’ve been having trouble with my voice for a couple of months now, and all my old other issues started creeping up.  I’m so sad every time I lead worship that I can’tt sing the way I want to.  It’s so frustrating to have to hold back when you want to belt out your worship!  It has seemed like any time I get my footing, I get knocked down again and again.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  And so ensued a lovely little pity party.

You’ve had one of those right?  You know the kind where it’s not enough to just be a little bummed out.  You do that party up!  You decorate it with cups full of regret, sugar bowls tainted with sorrow, and a big fat cake of despair!  Maybe you even bring others along with you.  You send them texts “Does God even care about me?”  You email them “If God loves me so much, then why are things not changing for the better?  Why I am so sad?”

As I tuned in to KWVE, it seemed all the messages I heard were about spiritual warfare, and about the strongholds satan can bring into your life, and to not underestimate his power.  He’s not stronger than God, but without allowing God to be our shield, we are left unprotected.  I let it sink in, but only a little, this little bit of wisdom was, after all, interrupting my pity party.  How rude!

On Saturday night, I was so blessed when the worship team gathererd around me and prayed for my voice.  Not only that, one of them piped in and prayed for my “obvious quiet discouragement”.  This almost brought me to tears.  I’m usually good at hiding my feelings, but the jig was up.  These prayers began to lighten the load, and my pity party for one started to run out of steam.

This morning as I was listening to Jon Courson I heard him say “How dare you say ‘does God really love me?”  Talk about a jolt.  I was instantly convicted and humbled.  Then Greg Laurie was detailing all that Jesus went through at the cross.  I was reminded that when everything else is going wrong, there is one thing that will never change, and can never be erased……THE CROSS!!  It was for me!  How dare I doubt the love of a God who threw shame to the wind, embraced all of us, and died in our place.  Not a quick, easy death, but a horrid, mortifying death.  Not to mention carrying the weight of our sin and shame, a feeling He had never endured, having never sinned.

Pity Party is over folks!  Time for everyone to go home now!  No last call, everybody out!  Oh Lord, forgive my doubt, forgive my flippant view of the cross at times.  Impress on me the magnitude of Your love, Your sacrifice, and Your unending devotion to seeing your children win!  You want us to succeed and walk in the power of Your Holy Spirit!  God make us useful, faithful followers who will not waver.  And in the process, help us to bring others along with us.